Financial Transparency: Discussing Money in Relationships

We all know talking about money can be a little awkward and even encourage a bit of anxiety sometimes. That’s because it still feels kind of taboo to talk about finance, but many of us are increasingly opening up. This is great because discussing money with partners and loved ones is so important for our financial wellbeing. But it can be a tricky chat, so how do you start the conversation, stay on topic, and keep it friendly?

Money talk isn’t exactly romantic, so it’s easy to see why these chats can feel tricky in new relationships. It’s nice to be casual with money during the honeymoon period, but it’s not really sustainable. Having a relaxed chat about your financial circumstances and goals with your partner early on can save you a lot of heartache further down the road. 

Why have money conversations?

Talking about finances in a relationship — or any situation where you share financial obligations (like a shared house) — can be a great way to get money worries off your chest. Being upfront about life goals  and financial transparency helps to grow trust and relieve tension.

Organising finances — like paying bills, applying for mortgages and juggling credit cards can be stressful — especially if it is all left to one half of a relationship to sort. Instead, set joint goals and share the responsibilities. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved. You’re stronger as a team.

Another positive of being open about money and sharing your knowledge is improving your financial literacy.(i.e. knowing how to make good decisions when it comes to money and understanding financial services and products better). Build your confidence together and start making bigger plans for the future.

How to talk about finances

Starting a conversation on money matters is different to chatting about your favourite music or films. Personal finances can be sensitive topics which need to be handled without judgement. The more we talk, the better chance we have of getting rid of the unhelpful  “money chat” stigma altogether. 

Every person and every relationship is different. So there’s no one-size-fits-all formula. Instead, we can learn techniques for being more open-minded and less judgemental which can in turn help us navigate lots of awkward conversations. So, here are some of our tips for talking about finances with your partner or loved ones.

Preparing for the chat

We know that talking about money with your partner can be a sensitive topic. Sometimes the conversations can be particularly difficult and end with one or both of you losing your temper, getting defensive or feeling like the subject is sprung on you but that doesn’t mean it can’t get better. Preparing can actually get ahead of some of these issues for much more productive discussions.

One way you can make money talks easier is to have them more regularly, even when there’s not much to cover. Organise a coffee once a month to go through stuff. That way there’s no surprises and you can confront any potential issues as a team before they arise.

Find a good time for a money talk when you both have the head space to focus and you’re not rushed. Avoid moments like the school run or straight after work when either one of you might be stressed or tired. Aim for a calm, positive and relaxed vibe, maybe on the weekend or during a  walk where you’re getting plenty of fresh air. 

Think about where you will both feel comfortable. Would you rather be in nature, in public, or somewhere quiet and secluded? Think about the right sort of atmosphere for a positive and productive chat. Neutral territory can be great for getting your mind out of your daily routine and keeping everything balanced, fair and calm. If you live together, try to avoid doing it in the bedroom or anywhere else in the home which is made for rest and relaxation. 

While an informal chat can be great, it’s important to finish the discussion with tangible actions on both sides if you have a shared financial goal. What is your shared goal and what specific things are you both going to do to achieve it? Write these down somewhere so that you are both accountable to them and they can’t be shrugged off. 

Discussing money

With all the emotional weight our finances can carry sometimes, it’s not uncommon for us to feel defensive, anxious or ashamed when discussing money and that’s okay as long as you practise kindness towards yourself and your partner. It’s important to remember that we can bring a lot of baggage with us into these sorts of conversations. This is when techniques for staying calm, avoiding judgement and being understanding really come in handy.

Give yourself and your partner enough room to participate in the discussion. Take turns to speak and genuinely listen to what they have to say. It’s also a good idea to be mindful of raising your voice or talking over each other, as this can elevate tension and doesn’t build productivity or positivity.

Create an open line of communication by being honest with each other. Manage both of your expectations, try to withhold judgement and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If their situation is difficult, there could be a good reason why. Give them the space to tell you or help them find it by being understanding.

One way that you can build trust between you both is to be open and transparent about your own situation, or situations you’ve had in the past that you have overcome. Show a willingness to share and solve problems with them, not judge  them. And be honest about what you want out of the talk, or even in the bigger picture of life.

What do you want from life? What are their hopes and dreams? Dig into your priorities and goals and see them as financial objectives you might one day work towards together. Hopefully you’ll want the same thing or you can consider compromises.

Try to understand each other. Bringing your finances together isn’t always easy to do but the benefits can be amazing. You can boost your spending power by combining your incomes, or spread the cost of rent and bills in a shared house. Work together when it makes sense to, but it’s important to note, for many couples there’s no need to combine your finances completely. It’s good to have your own goals and keep your personal freedoms. 

Troubleshooting your money talk

Discussing finances in a relationship isn’t always going to go smoothly — and that’s fine, conflict is a part of life. One of you may be a squirrel who loves saving for rainy days, while the other might like a splurge every once in a while. One may earn considerably more than the other which can put your life goals out of sync. The key is to celebrate your compatibility, acknowledge your differences and manage the situation by compromising.

Remember, money chats are about openness, communication and your future together. It’s not about figuring out who is better or worse at looking after their money and it’s certainly not an opportunity to play the blame game. Be confident, support each other and know what you want your personal future to look like as well. We’re trying to achieve our goals together, in a realistic and sustainable way. It’s all about teamwork!